racked with guilt...

I have heard other moms talking about turning around and their child not being there, but I thought that it came when children were older than alex is- and for most mothers it probably does. Alex admonished me for following the alex around all the time at the mall play area all the time; if I would have listened to him and kept my vigil but the entrance/exit I never would have run into this problem. I stand by the entrance most of the time because alex likes to escape and run out into the mall, but he had been on the other side of the "mountain" and I wanted to see him so I walked around the "mountain" and watched him start down the slide and then by the time I got to the other side I couldn't see him. So I asked my friend if she saw him and she said as we were looking around "I just saw him over ESCALATOR!" sure enough he had taken the opportunity to take off and started right for the escalator. I don't know what I would have done if she wasn't there. I started running out to get him and after he was in my arms I was so shaky I could barely walk, then I cried all the way home thinking of all the things that could have happened and then I held him for his entire nap. Now I'm so overcome with guilt that I don't want to have any more children and I don't want to ever leave the house again. However, to make sure that I didn't actually give into these wishes I took alex to the store today to buy milk and then we left.